Okay everyone.  I've come up with two ideas.  I made them both, but I'm only going to use the one that wins the vote.  Which new xanga name is better?

CarrieNowHelm

or

KiwiHelm

Vote now!

Well... hmmm.  What am I going to be in 6 days? Carrie Helm. Not, CarrieAlmostHelm.  I guess I'll keep you posted as to my new Xanga name. *shrug*

This season, unlike any in the past, has been a time of great reflection to me.  I've had the opportunity to look at the relationships around me and reflect on their depth.  It's been a time of realizing who my real friends are, who I'd like to be better friends with, and who I wish to remain at acquaintance level. 

You know how in movies, when someone is missing someone they love and they show clips of memories to the track of some sappy song?  That's what it all feels like right now.  I have a billion thank you cards to write. In some ways it is a chore, but in other ways it's like the sappy movie song.  For each note I begin, I can't help but reflect on that person and my memories of that person over the years.  The funniest and most tender moments keep coming to mind.  Things I haven't thought of in years!  All this makes me extremely emotional.  Once I'm in the sappy memory "mode,"  even commercials choke me up.  Oh and MUSIC - that's the worst.  Anything to do with Christmas, love, patriotism, or baby Jesus seems to do it for me. 

Tonight I will go to see Two From Galilee with my friend (and awesome bridesmaid) Susan.  It is the love story of Mary and Joseph and the birth of Jesus.  WONDERFUL Broadway-caliber musical. Tickets are free and they bring live animals on stage. I highly recommend it!  (Bethany First Church of the Nazarene)  Anyway, Jenny is singing "All I Ever Wanted" at the wedding   with the man who plays Joseph.  The song is from the musical, so I'll have to warn Susan that I'll be all emotional this evening.

Thanks everyone who suffered through my last entry with me.  Sorry to keep you waiting so long for positive news. Things are much better now.  Minor dramas keep popping up, but they are being handled with a grain of salt... well, sand is probably a better expression, but you get the point.

6 more days = 6,000 more emotional moments. I'm okay with that.  Hope everyone else is! Christmas Joy! This may be the last entry I have time for until after the honeymoon so MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL! Baby Jesus is here!  (there I go crying again...)

Brace yourself... I'm venting.

I'm having a hard time understanding something.  I believe it because I am a different case study than the norm.  I keep having this general type of conversation with people -- Me: I'm getting married in 4 weeks.  Them:  Awwww... I had so much fun planning my wedding. 

This happens all the time.  Here's what I don't get: I'm not having fun.  At all.  It's not the wedding stuff that's stressing me out.  (Okay, well maybe the money issue a little) It's the relationships that are attached to it.  The only relationship in my life that is fully intact is with Jimmy (THANK GOD!!!) and everything else seems to be going to hell.  Even my relationship with God...  which may explain all the other problems.

I'm extrememly busy.  Nobody really realizes what's happening in my life.  They say they understand, but I doubt it.  Especially if they've never been married before and even then, I'm not sure many people have had quite this ugly an experience.  I'm not going to start listing all the things I'm doing or all the things that are going wrong because that's really not the point.  The point is... people are demanding so much from me and can't understand why they're not getting top Carrie quality.  People say, "Oh Carrie is stressing out about the wedding" BUT THAT'S NOT IT AT ALL!  It's the people! The wedding (well, actually the marriage it results in) is what I have to look forward to.

Then, when I start bailing on things, I either get internal guilt trips from myself or more subtle guilt trips from family, friends, teachers...  Why does it matter what people think, you say?  Well, it doesn't, but I can't help that it bugs me.  It has a lot to do with the family I was raised in.  "Appearance" is everything.  If it doesn't "look" good, then it must not be.  (For example: When Jimmy's car is in my driveway late at night it doesn't "look" good.  People will think bad things are going on.  Since my family makes value judgements on other people based on what things "look" like, they assume that everyone is that shallow.)

School is not going to be my usual straight A's this semester, but I'm really okay with that.  I've resolved to let it slip some this semester because my sanity is more important.  Why can't I make that decision on my own?

So... HOW is wedding planning fun?  Am I the only one who goes through all this **** or is it just that people repress all the awful memories after all is said and done.  I really hope it's the latter of the two, because I don't want to remember this planning session as it is.  I want to forget all about it.  Eloping is a really good idea. Unfortunately, I'm in this way to deep to elope now.  I'm just going to have to ride it out for another month and then I can just do a brain dump.  Is it possible to do an emotional dump as well?

Well... it hasn't been a WHOLE month since I last posted.  Ugh. You don't understand!  My life is too crazy for this thing.  Here's the latest:

The guest list is FINALLY done. No more changes!  The invitations should be mailed Monday.  I'm so glad to be done with that. Many thanks to Andi and Amber Neaves for addressing and stuffing. 

Next on my list is finding a nice centerpiece (the Christmas trees have been canned) and stuffing favor boxes.  I need to find the right size bow... this is very difficult and frustrating. Things are happening... but too slowly for my comfort.  We're almost a month away!  Eeeek!

I'm in the process of directing and producing "Diary of Adam and Eve" for my Play Production class.  This is fun, but something else on my plate.  I was fortunate enough to get experienced actors so it shouldn't be too difficult, although all the other directors in the class are giving me a hard time about it.

My teaching practicum at Deer Creek is almost done. Monday is my last day.  Today and Wed I had complete responsibility of the class because the teacher had to be gone.  Whew!  Scary, but really fun.  The true teacher inside me is longing to bust out!  When I told the kids Monday was my last day, they all went "awwwww!"  That was cool. Then this girl hugged me. That wasn't as cool. 

Then there's homework... that Lighting Curriculum Resource Guide I have to write and about 7 papers left. Yeah, nevermind... I don't want to go into it.

The Beyond Chance demo is finished and sounds GREAT!  I'm so excited about it.  I've listened to it everyday for a week.  Look for clips on the website as soon as Jimmy has a few hours to get them up.  It takes a while and he is in the process of a possible job promotion so he's been working a lot. Pray for that!

Carrie